For those with a chronic illness, the words “I’m fine” are commonly used. The one thing I don’t want to be is a moaner and whinge about my symptoms.
The thing is, with the Hemiplegic Migraine I have daily symptoms currently so you never get away for one second and you just don’t know when you’re going to suffer with a full blown attack as I’m on the trial and error of preventative medication.
Lots of people ask “How are you?” And I often answer “I’m fine” to save them from a list of irritating symptoms. I think they are irritating; most of the time they aren’t debilitating though some are – now they aren’t fun at all!! Spending another weekend wrapped up in bed because I can’t move through pain or weakness or both! A joy for everyone.
The worst of my daily symptoms are extreme tiredness, shooting nerve pains in my head, headaches, numbness, weakness, forgetting words, extreme and sudden head pains. On the upside I have some really (and I mean really!!) happy and giddy moment during the day but I do tend to come crashing down with a bump at some point but it is a lot of fun while it lasts!!
So, “I’m fine” is like a mask I wear to save you and me from that awkward conversation. “I’m fine” is my protection; a bit like a band aid that if ripped off would reveal the imperfectness underneath. “I’m fine” is me convincing myself that I’m fine and I can get on with things like I could before because I bloody well want to!! “I’m fine” is me shouting at my body to start behaving because I’m 39 years old not 89 and I have a life to live and I want to live it without these issues. “I’m fine” is me getting out of bed every morning and going to work and fulfilling my job role completely regardless of how I feel. “I’m fine” is me putting a smile on for my children despite the pain because I don’t want to ruin their childhood.
So, today and from now onwards I will be “Fine” and hopefully one day I might actually wake up and feel “great” even if just for a day or two at a time. And then more and more and more. It will happen! My “fine” is already a better “fine” than it was a few months ago …
I am still the same person and I still do the same things just less of them (on a social side) and more slowly than before!! Oh – apart from drinking alcohol!! I definitely do not do that any more! I am Tea-Total right now and I actually enjoy it; who knew? Gives you a whole new perspective!!